Advice for Ian

[nella]

Hello everyone! I have a problem, and I'm wondering if some of you can help me. I'd like a guy and girl perspective on this, so here goes!

My dilema is with my brother, Ian. He's a geek, to put it mildly. His days are spent online at various gamer forums or online gaming, such as Armagetron, a racing game. *Lora impression* "Now you can see why all his friends are 14 years old!" *end Lora impression* He has a few friends at church, but they are all younger than him. They look up to him, and he's turning them into computer geeks too.

Okay, with all that back ground information, herein lies the problem. He's been trying to get a girlfriend. The first girl he was serious about was Jill, my best friend. I was always with Jill, so it was convinient for Ian and Zack to tag along. (I had a crush on Zack, Ian's best friend. How convenient.) Anyways, Jill liked another guy, so Ian's heart was broken for the first time. The second girl he liked was 11 years older than him. Uh huh, yeah. She doesn't like him. My parents found out, and since then Ian's become more of a recluse. Then Janina came to our church for a year. She went back to Germany. More tearful late nights.

Those are the three, godly, Christian girls we know other than our cousins. But now he's found this girl, Genki. She's Japanese, but she lives in the states. She games with him in Armagatron, and joined his forum. He's the only guy she knows on there, and she picked out an avatar that says "I don't care about the distance, I just care about you." I'm afraid that Ian might sorta-kinda like her. She lives in Arizona, and she'll be 16 soon. She says she attends Catholic church when her mom goes, but she is not at all religious. (Her own words.)

So, Ian has only told me about this girl. She seems nice, but I just don't want Ian to be hurt like he has by so many girls in the past. She might like him, but that's not the point. The point is, although Ian's a great brother, he's really immature and he has a lot of growing up to do before he gets involved in any kind of relationship. Some good might come of it, but more harm than good will. He won't tell his friends at church that he likes her, and he has no one in the world but me. How do I advise him, and what do I say? We've kind of joked about it, but I know he'll do just about anything to get a girlfriend. I'm concerned that he might put any girl before God.

I guess that's about it. Help me?

~Nella

[steelsheen]

Here's advice from someone in the EXACT same situation.

You can't control your brother- all you can do is love him, and be there to glue the pieces of his heart back together.

You're not responsible for your brother. He is responsible for himself, and... you can't do anything except pray, offer sisterly advice and love and assure him that there is a perfect someone somewhere out there waiting just for him, and eating chocolate while whining that she wants a GOOD boyfriend.

[Geberia]

I don't have any brothers, so I guess I can't relate to what you're going through, really. And I've never dated either, but.....

I know you have a close relationship with God, and I believe that he will gradually ( or, who knows? maybe suddenly Show you what to do. James 1:5," If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him." As I said before, I don't really know what to do - but God does. Keep praying about it, and keep encouraging Ian to do whats right. Since he's told you all this, I know he respects your opinion and friendship. That's a valuable "lever" if you will that you can use for good.

I'll be praying for you Nella!

[LilyJ]

Well, for starters, I agree with steelsheen... you can't tell him what to do, you can just support him. He needs to make his own decisions.

That being said... while this potential relationship may cause more harm than good, it's something he will learn from in the long run. Every time we start some kind of relationship, we give away a little piece of ourself... when that piece comes back - in various states - it's been changed, and we learn to make it fit. Not only do you learn more for when that perfect someone for you comes along, but you learn mroe about yourself and grow more as a person.

I've been in a few relationships that probably caused more harm than good. Heck, I've spent nights staring out the window and wishing for a boyfriend who "fit"... would I go back and undo those relationships if I could? Not in a heartbeat. It's worth the pain to have the earning experience. And later on, it'll be worth the pain when you find someone who won't hurt you.

My adivce would be to go out there and take a chance - or let someone you care about take a chance. You can talk to them mildly, ask them if it's a good idea or not, but don't try to make up their mind for them. They'll learn.

[torc]

As an Adult now (wow that's scary) I think Ian has to grow up as we all do, and one critical thing each man has to realize that the source of happiness is NOT supposed to be women. As long as he relies upon others for his emotional wellbeing he will continue to be hurt. A Christian should always be joyful. Besides...he's only 14. He's a but too young and certianly not mature enough to handle a serious relationship.

Don't worry, the crush phase will end.


And one book that is EXTREMELY HELPFUL is Wild at Heart by John Eldridge...every man especially youth should read it.

I appreciate sisterly love, but really, that is all women can do for him is love and support and give basic advise. But when it comes to masculinity and whether or not he is a man, only a man can teach a boy that. He needs a strong male (good male) influence. His father should be there for him and if not, someone he can trust. That's why I loved Wild at Heart. It gives so much of the important advise on true nature of men that Fathers often miss or forget.

[nella]

Steelsheen, I loved that last part about chocolate! I'll tell him that.

Geb, thanks for the prayers.

Nen, you tell me I'm not responsible for a lot of things ;-). I know he will learn from it, but you would have thought he had learned his lesson already.

Thanks, TORC, for the advice!! I really wish Ian was closer with our dad. He's such a lone ranger that he doesn't seem to want dad to know about it. I've been thinking about telling my dad. I don't think Ian will take Genki seriously, but I definantly think he might like her.

Oops, did I say Ian was 14? Oh, I see where you could have gotten that. I was actually quoting Ian's favorite movie, Tron. The quote is "Now you can see why all his friends are 14 years old." Ian isn't fourteen; he's 17. That's why I'm worried about him. He doesn't have much time to grow out of the "crush phase."

~Nella

[LilyJ]

Nen, you tell me I'm not responsible for a lot of things ;-). I know he will learn from it, but you would have thought he had learned his lesson already.

Well, you're not. You drive yoursef nuts about things you can't change, and it's not healthy. Take it as sisterly advice.

Everyone learns their lessons in their own time... you'll see, he'll figure it out. I know someone who was like that up until he wnet to college... actually, he's still a little bit like that. But now he has a steady g/f (I have yet to approve of her). Things work out. Don't worry.

I an will learn a lot of lessons once he goes to college, too. Is he moving out? You'd be amazed how much of a difference that makes.

[torc]

17 years old....thats scary. Its time for some man intervention....If I were there Id go and take him fishing with a six pack to share and a few cigars....err ummm that was a joke

At 17 he is almost an adult. He will make his own path now. Seriously though....wild at heart will bring out the inner tiger.

EDIT- in all seriousness, he does need a male influence that is good. As a sister, you should never try to counsel him into a particular relationship, but i think he understands that an online thing is not going to work out. give him wild at heart for Christmas....make sure he reads it b4 college and heck....your dad sounds like he could use it too.

[steelsheen]

Neniel is right, Nella. You take responsibility for things that you can not change, or even influence.

The only person you can change is you. People might change from watching you, but other than that...

[torc]

Pray about it, get him to read that book, and try to get his dad in on the action. He could help.

“As Iron sharpens Iron, so one man sharpens another.”
(Proverbs 27:17)

[nella]

I know my dad disagrees with some of John Elderidge's theology, but my dad has been listening to a lot of sermons about manhood with Ian. Just to name a few, they listen to C.J. Mahaney, Randy Alcorn, Randy Stinson, and Kris Lungard. (I'm not sure I spelled the last man's name correctly.) My dad is always encouraging Ian to do the hard things first, pursue wisdom and correction, run to the battle, lead, etc. Dad is very involved in Ian's life, but Ian resents it.

Yes, Ian's moving next fall and going to BJU, probably majoring in Computer Science or I.T. There's a really godly girl down there, Kirsten, who I know will keep an eye on him for me. We've also got aunts and uncles and cousins there so I think he'll be okay, provided he guards his heart.

Well, I read his conversations with Genki. I think he's resigned himself to the fact that she's not a Christian and he can't "do anything" till she does. However, it does bother me that she's flirting with him. For instance, he was playing Armagetron with him last night and when he had to go, she said "*Genki hugs Ian*". The least thing Ian needs right now is encouragement from her. She is rather blunt, and asked him if he likes anyone right now. He said "No, I don't know any Christian girls and since you're not a Christian that rules you out too." Keep praying for him, guys. I can only do so much, but the LORD is powerful and can move mountains through our faith! (Well, he can move them without our faith, too, but anyway.)

Actually, Nen, my family is the only thing I worry about. That asside, I am an optimist for the most part.

[steelsheen]

My GOSH! You have what we call God complex, Nella! You can not control your brother, you can't change what he does! Reading what he wrote on the Net? Come on, he doesn't deserve that.

And having another girl 'look out' for him isn't cool, either. I'm a younger sister, my brother's gone the same way, I know what I am saying! It hurts to watch them screw up, but all we can do is help them when they ask for it.

And it looks like Ian has had so much help fed down him he doesn't want more. I wouldn't, either.

[Geberia]

Nella - again, I don't have brothers so I can't relate as well as Steelsheen, Nen, or even Torc, but I will still be praying for you! It seems you could either 1) pray and let Ian go where he will in that relationship -assuming he does get hurt, he will find out the hard way himself, or 2) pray and take some kind of action to try to prevent Ian from getting hurt.
I believe that there is a "thing for every season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven ( Eccle. 3:1)." There is a time when talking to your sibling is right. There's a time when its not right. I don't know which time it is for you, but I trust God will provide you grace and show you what to do.
Again, I'll be praying for you. I don't know much, but I pray our Almighty God will take what I do know and use it for his glory

[nella]

Sorry, I didn't make it clear that Ian wanted to show me his conversations with Genki. I didn't steal his password or something.

[torc]

Nella...it doesn't seem that I an is that bad off. I think you should just relax and let go for a bit. You are trying to add cubits to your height through worry. Hes older and he knows how to manage himself. Now IF he actually would start dating this girl...then you worry.

And heck..girls who RP a hug....thats a lot cleaner than many "christian Girls" i know.

Nella, when you head off to college, you will be shocked by the amount of sin in the world. Prepare.

[LilyJ]

I agree with Torc, Nella... I think the problem here is more that you're being over-protective. Trust me, I know how it feels... I may not have actually brothers, but I've got Jeremy, who may as well be my big brother, and I've seen him in some relationships I didn't agree with. There is NOTHING you can do about it... just be there for him to talk to, give advice when (and only when) he asks for it, and maybe, if the opportunity arises, introduce him to some girls you know may be good for him.

You can't shelter someone from heartbreak, Nella, or can you make their decisions for them. My advice is to pray for him, but for goodness' sakes, stay out of it! He will learn his own lessons without anyone looking over his shoulder every step of the way.