Christians Blog

[christian]

welcome this is my blog of the most boring and exciting things i encounter day to day which is not much i like to think anyway enjoy and feel free to ask anything

christian helmersen.

[christian]

3-20-06 6:36pm

i woke up around 12:45pm i seem to have missed my morning class of GED adult program no biggie IL just go to the afternoon but i like to go in the morning

i call my father and he told me he had my phone next to me and tried to call 4 times but got no answer because it never woke me up strange

after eating some noodles and checking up on my email and Christian teens and reading some stuff about my new game iv playing a old one but fun X-com UFO defense

well i head to school and arrive around 2:40pm 10 Min's late times are 2:30 to 5:30 for afternoon i start by getting my math division of whole numbers test ready to show my teacher but she is talking with some heads of something so i decide to work on my science which i need to get done after i finished my science i scored 38 out of 40 right so i was happy

shortly after that my teacher was here i and i showed here my math work and she was very happy i scored 100% 20 out 20 right so i moved up a level on that subject she then saw my science and wanted me to do the test for it so i did and scored 74% got 37 out of 50 and i need 80% to pass to the next level so IL have to study more on it

anyway i wrote some of the stuff for you all to see what I'm sorta having to do

here are some stuff i recorded from a part about light and sound

light travels in waves at 186,000 miles per sound it would take light 3 seconds to get to the moon and back there is nothing faster

sound works by vibrating the air

you hit the guitar string with a pick which vibrates the molecules of air around it these molecules hit other molecules then the vibrating gets to your eardrum making it vibrate then a nerve carries a message about the vibration from your ear to your brain and you say wow isn't that great music?

sound travels about a fifth amile
sound travels best through solid things because the molecules are closer together

and here are some things i had to answer on the exercise

T for TRUE F for FALSE

1.T Light and sound travel in waves?
2.F sound travels faster then light?
3.F white light has no color
4.T a lens is used to bend light
5.F a red dress absorbs red light
6.T you hear sound when your eardrum vibrates
7.T different sound waves make different notes
8.F sound travels best through air

i got all of these right

i left class happy with how i did i will be working on decimals tomorrow

my brother picked me up at 5:00pm and we left we had to pick are pet rabbit some food and stooped at the pet store alot of fun fish and animals even has a nurse shark which will grow to be a normal sized shark

anyway the time is now and i feel somewhat alright I'm not being very troubled by thoughts of my lost girlfriend at all today the only bad thoughts all day were some memory's of me cutting my wrist and arm but they went away pretty fast I'm thinking of drinking coffee or coke and playing a game or something

take care

Christian helmersen.

[christian]

03-23-06

2:59 pm


its been a few days since my last update so IL have to make up a Little

Tuesday i woke to late to head to morning class so i was going to the afternoon instead later on around 1:00pm i was called told about a meeting i had with my therapist at 2:00pm so i went to the meeting and i was being transfered from the under18 side to the adult side i found the building much nicer so i waited for about 15 Min's then i saw my therapist we talked about what has changed since i last seen her what to work on and then my hour is up and i see her in 2 weeks what a waste of time


i then went to class and arrived about 30 minutes late but nobody cares anyway because the class is self paced

more science and learning discamles after class i went home rested played game then went out to eat and rented some movies

then Wednesday this time my father woke me up since it was his day off and he took me to school it was the last day of school till April for us so around noon there was prizes handed out and the such i won a free bag with a coffee cup inside a huge pin a nifty notepad all inside of it

after my father picked me up we had to buy a dress for some women in the church we went everware and when we entered goody's in a mall there was a posting for maintce job 20 to 30 hours a week i filled a application for it and then we left my father and paster ran into the mall manger which is a good friend to are family and i called him later about putting in a good word for me at this store and he said he would see this person so i was very happy about this


it was around 6pm now and my youth meeting was going to be soon taking place and my father drooped me off around 6:20 the youth service was pretty good the paster talked about how valuable we are and what god did because we were priceless and stuff to make sure we remembered he played a slide show on the screen in there from pictures of Jesus in passion of the Christ mainly the messy scenes of Christ cutt up all over this made me start shaking and almost crie-ing not from Jesus but from my memory's that were flooding my mind of all the self harm and blood and self inflected cutts and nights of cutting my self 70 times and blood covering my hole arms

after it was over i asked the paster to see him alone for a minute and i asked him if he could tell me before a service if he was ever going to play something that graphic again and he said it was no problem

i then went into the bathroom and collapsed and started shaking violently and holding my head from the disturbing thoughts of what iv done in the past and my teeth were shaking

i then left and went home and calmed down quickly and then watched a movie and then went to sleep

now today it is almost 3pm nothing much going on just drinking coffee and relaxing and playing games and the such

Christian helmersen.

[christian]

a poem i made last night

3-22-06
Red Roses
__________________________________

Red roses bloom in the midst of my presence there i walk

through the sorrow of lives lies of the red rose i walk through

these fields of red touching the every fabric of life in red of the rose

i can smell the reversed love and joy in the plant i can sense every drop of bloody red on the ground my cloths stained with pain and dispare which seem unwashable from my skin

i can see nothing but a sea of red and fields covered in the rising fog as the love floats up to the sky as it comes down it splatters its lovely red on the flowers which turn bright red in shattered love.

[christian]

3-27-06

the last 2 days have been the most boring ever due to my GED classes being out for spring iv had nothing to do and no return call on my job search and all iv been doing for 2 days is play computer games and this hurts me because it tunes my mind on my troubles

today has been better went to church eat talk with some of the members came home napped watched movie going to sleep now life sucks lol -i no it does not just right now it does-

the biggest trouble I'm having is getting over my relationship with that women iv not seen her in almost 3 weeks and its been eating away at me and i cant stand these feelings and sometimes i don't even know what i m feeling every now and then raw self harm with a blunt object is tempting but iv been able to put away such thoughts iv been self harm free for now about 2 to 3 months with a couple of relapse that ended right after it started so I'm making a life it just seems so dame painful at the moment

iv been getting aton of support from my father but i don't no how much longer i can take this crap

Christian helmersen.

[christian]

i just wrote this now out of boredom and painful feelings


some days bright lights shine far and wide under the clouds some days the sun sets over the land and rises from the deep
some days Saturn paints the sky
and on some days i smile down the dawn of stars sometimes you can see the angels dance on the moon and blessing Pierce through the sky

and one day Jesus will shine and god will blind

[christian]

im back from my mission trip give me a lettle while till i feel like blogging the trip becasue im tired

take care

.

[christian]

we left last Saturday and went to AL we stayed at a church for the next 5 days and it was a very loose mission trip we went to a place to help move a hole house of box's at a place called save a life mainly Christian consoler's trying to convince and help women who have unwanted pregnancy's and help them give up the baby for adoption instead of abortion

after we got done with this the next day we went to a RV park were some were hurricane survivors and some not and worked with the kids we played games and did a bible story i and a nother young guy asked to do the bible story he read a story and i talked on how influence works and then afterwords we went back to the church

then the next day we went touring MIS beach area were the hurricane hit and it was amazing the damg still there not one working building i think is there on the beach at least 4 casinos torn up and houses ether gone or have had there first to 2 floor gutted by the water and we saw bridges with hole sections gone and 1 had parts of it sticking out of the water its going to take at least 10 to 20 years before its cleaned up

and then we went to a homeless shelter and i talked to a homeless guy who had a college degree in English and was very eye opening for me

and between all this we went shopping and went out to eat had a good time down there overall and i made bunch of new friends

anyway hopefully i will be able to get pictures for all of you soon


take care.

Christian helmersen

[christian]

just thought i would mention that iv been on the verge of relapse for self harm and even brought a pack of razor blades on the trip but on the first night with strong urgs before we went to sleep i gave them to the paster and told him

-take these away from me before i use them-

its been atleast a month if not 2 since i last did any self harm so im happy about that

[Triphus (Titanian)]

Wow that's great Christian! Way to overcome your obstacles!!!

[Catoepia]

Yeah, that is reallly good!

~Cat

[gynovia]

awesome! keep it up!

[christian]

nothing much as been going on to mention besides one of my new friends from the trip has been over the past 3 days and i missed my pasters dads funrueal and iv been feeling very gulty over it because i could have made it

[christian]

transparency 4-9-06 by Christian helmersen
____________________________________________________

as we walk in this tomb holding are hands we walk past the souls that are forgotten we see the remains of the many who fell short we walk threw this tunnel known as life in the light as i hold your hand tighter i pray you never let go of me i pray that i will never fear losing your grip in my hand as the light deems at the end of the tunnel i hold on tighter fearing the darkness of sorrow and agony

as we near i lose the sight of light

and i scream
and i scream

all the while you hold my hand nursing me through these dark moments and the more i scream the tighter you hold me

i can not see or hear you anymore but i still feel the pull from you

as i walk threw these scary dark times your still there holding me and reassuring me telling me story's of a brighter day near

as i scream and cry you reassure me when I'm hurt you take care of me

when my wounds bleed you bind them when my mind screams you hold it in your hands when i doubt you show a glimmer of light

and as we near the end i can see the light of a brighter day ahead i can see your face for the first time and hear your voice

and when i leave this tunnel of life with you i shall scream for you.

[christian]

04-10-06

before i go to school i would like to share about last night


around 12am i was feeling a lettle down so i went midnight walking around the neighberhood its spooky because there is not a soul out that late most of the time its so peaceful tho


anyway i walked to my local church and sat outside for about 45 mins thinking about stuff but i then start thinking about the reason to live and so slowly i became a lettle crazy but after 40 mins of sitting in a dark corner i grew tired and went home and went to sleep but my father and brother kept me up with there arguing till 2:30am


anyway i feel somewhat bumish today and i just got back from the local store ware i bought a thing of 5 double edge razor blades there still sitting in there small case not used tho i dont plan using them today i realy should get rid of them

[myself]

Innocnet looking, aren't tehy.

Get rid of them.

so long as they are there, they will gnaw at your mind until you give in, one more time, one more time.....

Until you're out of time.

[Misty Hills]

myself said:

Innocnet looking, aren't tehy.

Get rid of them.

so long as they are there, they will gnaw at your mind until you give in, one more time, one more time.....

Until you're out of time.

I agree. I'm sorry that you were feeling down yesterday. I was too actually. But yeah, that person is right. As long as you have them there, they will gnaw at your mind until you do it. I really suggest you get rid of them also. Remember, when you start feeling down, talk to God about it and read the Bible. ;D

~Misty:)

[steelsheen]

sorry- I was Myself- too lazy to log in.

But to reiterate.

Throw. Them. Out.

[Geberia]

Ditto!

[christian]

my Internet has been cutt off the past few days so IL update about what has happen


i held on to the razors till Wednesday which i became very tired during afternoon i went home rested then after feeling depressed down and very tired i did something very stupid i prayed to Satan and of course nothing good came out of that later that night at the youth group service i talked to the paster alone about it and gave him my razors which still in there case unused and we prayed about the incident

I'm doing great in my classes getting on time and working harder then i ever have and making good progress

and i continue to mature and grow

take care

Christian helmersen.

[gynovia]

glad you got rid of them

[Geberia]

Woohoo! hi five

[steelsheen]

Good for you- but a quick word to the wisening- do not allow yourself to become bored.

Idle hands are the devils workshop, they say, and it's true.

There's nothing to do, people say! Well, the bathroom can always be cleaned more, or you could learn to cook- THAT's how I deal with depression, I make myself chocolate chip cookies, and eat them when they're still all nice and gooey... If you need a recipe, I can give you one.

Ooh, and I also have the BEST brownie recipe- nearly as easy as a mix, and, like, TEN times better!

God bless you and keep you.

[gynovia]

I love to cook! brittany, you'll have to give me that recipe for the brownies, yum yum! pm it to me.

[christian]

the past few days have been very depressing and i feel like I'm running out of Patience to handle my feelings i feel like going berserk in someway


today i left class after working for only hour because i was so sad that all i could think about was being so sad and wanting to hurt my self

i went home resumed my depression and then went to a church event the church event had nobody show up besides a few so i left before it started

found out one of my new great friends is likely to be sent to boot camp which is totally unnecessary because his parents are stupid

and i came home and was so depressed i did not nothing but sit on my bed and napped for a few hours

i feel like giving up i was thinking of reasons why i kept going when i was sitting on my bed and how i just want to go crazy again and even thought about ideas of taking my own life



Christian helmersen..